The question we have been asking ourselves in this column is “How will I know when I have enough?” We have talked about things like How will I know when I have enough stuff? . . .eaten enough food? . . .had enough to drink? . . .have enough things to do? . . .or any other things that are important to you. This month we will look at something that many of my women coaching clients bring to their sessions.
They talk about the issue in different ways, but it boils down to “I don’t have enough time for myself.” And in some cases they feel as if they have no time at all for themselves. When I ask them what they would do if they had some time for themselves, their answers are surprisingly similar: I’d sit down and read a book or look through a magazine. I’d go to the gym or at least go out for a walk. I’d get back to my meditation practice or journaling. I’d meet a friend for lunch or coffee or a glass of wine. Whatever the response, I have never had anyone say something like I’d go to Paris. It always is something pretty simple, even in some people’s opinion, pretty ordinary. And yet many women feel as if they do not have time for some of these simplest of things.
Why is this and why is it something that seems to be so common among women? From an external or societal perspective, in many families the primary responsibility for child care still rests with the woman. This, of course, is not true in every family, but it is true in many. And this seems to remain true even if the woman has a very busy job outside the home. For some women it is almost as if they have two full time jobs. Often a woman will talk about how the man “helps” with the children or taking care of things in the house or making social arrangements, or keeping track of everyone’s schedule. And on and on. And just when the children may not need the same level of attention, for many women her or her partner’s parents begin to require more help, attention and care. And again it often is the woman who is responsible for providing that attention for both sets of parents.
I have seen this tendency of “I need to take care of everything” even in women who do not have children and may not have any extensive extended family responsibilities. In these cases a woman may assume a disproportionately large share of responsibility for things going well at work and spend long hours at her job. And if she is an entrepreneur with her own company, she may spend most of her time working, and then complain about having no time for herself.
With our technological age there are, of course, many men who feel as if they work pretty much 24/7, but I do not think it is because they feel as if they do not have a “right” to take some time for themselves. As little girls many of us grew up with a message of something like “If it is just for me, I don’t have a right to it.” And if we express disagreement with this in our behavior, we are told we are being selfish. As a result many of us grow up feeling as if we always need to put others’ needs before our own.
Well, to that I invite you to say “OK! That’s enough! I no longer agree to put everyone else’s needs before mine.” I invite you to declare this for yourself even if just to yourself. I would caution against taking this to such an extreme that we shirk our real responsibilities, but I do not think that kind of caution is necessary because I do not think that most of us can make that monumental a change from one moment to the next. So what am I suggesting? I am suggesting that, if any of this rings true for you, then during this next month try the following:
- Ask yourself “If I knew that what I need and want is just as important as what anyone else needs and wants, what would change for me?” I suggest you work with this question with a trusted friends or a coach because you may need an attentive, supportive listener to get any really honest answers.
- Your answers to #1 will significantly determine what you do next, but I suggest that you make a commitment to do at least one thing just for yourself at least two times a week, keeping a record of what those things are and how you feel before, during, and after doing each one.
- It is important that to the extent possible you not simply add the things you decide to do in #2 to your already full list of “things Ii have to do,” but rather carve out at least 5 minutes when you declare that this is what you are doing for however long. . .and 5 minutes for starters is fine.
- If you completed the exercises in last month’s article “Are You Trying to Do Too Much,” I invite you to go back and read through what you wrote including things that, in one way or another, you are going to stop doing. What happens when you put that list together with the steps suggested here? (And if you were not able to complete the actions suggested last month, just go to the “Are You Trying to Do Too Much?” article from last month and do them now. I think it will be helpful.)
Good luck! This is not easy work! What we are suggesting is slowly changing a lifetime of subtle and not so subtle messages we received from those around us and taking control of our own lives. And doing THAT is enough!