This has been probably one of the longest days of my life. Compounded with stress and anxiety of a very hectic work day, I knew I would feel some kind of way about July 19th. Today marks the 3rd year of my Mother’s death.she had breast cancer. My Mother Janice passed away in her sleep which has always given me some peace. I suppose the most difficult part about her home going was the amount of regret I felt for not making the moments count. We didn’t have very many.
My sister and I were raised by our Father. She never sent us cards and years would pass before we would hear from her. Yet I always remembered her, I knew we had her love. One of the last times I saw her healthy was at my High School Graduation. Her smiled melted away the years, she was extremely proud of being there in that moment. A hug and a kiss made up for the lost moments of me missing her.
In my late 20s while living in NC, my Grandmother gave me the news that our Mother had been diagnosed with cancer. Following her mastectomy, she would jokingly tell my sister and I that we could split the cost on her new boobs. I could buy one and Dricka could get the other one. I would happily do so if that would make her feel whole again. Women need to feel whole.
Although the Cancer conquered her body in the end, it never compromised her spirit. During her home going celebration, it was interesting to learn of the impact that she had made at her church and in her women’s group. She had committed her time to back to school uniform drives and fundraisers to get neighborhood children school supplies. During the service, one of the ladies detailed how during a road trip to a nearby casino, my mother won a round on the slot machine. She was giddy and cheering in such a way that people were interested in seeing exactly how much she had won. It was only $10. Yet from her perspective I suppose you never miss an opportunity to have joy and to celebrate. Moreover, be thankful for good fortune. I wish I could have seen her that happy.
In her sickness her soul was redeemed to do better, to live better. For my own selfish reasons, I wish she was still here, because I never got to see what so many others saw.her nurturing spirit. Although I never took her absence as abandonment, my sister and I have always longed for the sweetness of her kiss. I always viewed our time apart as just temporary. I simply dreamed of the family I would have and the Grandmother she could have been to my children. It never happened. I don’t have kids, I don’t have the husband, but my life is nothing short of exceptional. With all of my mistakes, failed plans, old to new, new to old, I am not in the business of waiting on the right time anymore. I have come to accept that right now is RIGHT.
There’s no such thing as making up for lost time. The kisses that we miss, the opportunities we don’t take, the moments we don’t value is a true disservice to ourselves and the Creator of Time himself. After the funeral, I promised myself that I would take more chances, limit my comfort zone, and see things from start to finish. I commit everyday to helping someone or contributing to something that is bigger than me. My life seems more fulfilled this way.
I know in good times and bad, I am in the presence of an Angel. I feel the kiss of her spirit in Triumph and Despair. God doesn’t create our friends and loved ones just for us. They, just like we ourselves, are formed for a purpose. Janice Marie Cole is my Mother and my Motivator. In her death, I was granted the courage to live out my dreams and the confidence to create a life she would be proud of. For that, I will always be thankful!
Guest Writer – Raygon Fields
Since January of 2001, Raygon Fields has crowned herself as the quintessential Style Architect. From Personal shopping to Dress for Success Corporate & Youth workshops, Raygon has managed her full service wardrobe consulting firm as a one woman show. From December of 2009 to August 2010, she served as the Director of Womenswear for Obvious Magazine, a bi-coastal Fashion and Lifestyle E-Zine published by Jerris Madison. She’s produced various Fashion events and charity socials in the city of Houston, while creating designs for her apparel brand 828. Raygon’s newest venture, the Girl About Town television show can be found at girlabouttowntv.com.