It was an emotional week last week. For many months, I’ve been going to Mom’s house twice a day to be sure she takes her meds, prepare some meals, do laundry, dishes or minor housekeeping. I also take her to all her doctor appointments, grocery shopping and out to lunch to get her out of the house.
Mom is now 93 and a half. Her COPD is quite severe and getting worse. She’s been on oxygen 24/7 for over two years now. Yet, she still lives in her own home and we’re trying to keep her there as long as possible. A former Navy WAVE ‘gunnery’ instructor, Mom has always been strong-willed, feisty and independent.
The photo above shows Mom with her now deceased and beloved younger sister. It was taken just a year and a half ago.
I think it reflects her feisty spirit. If there was a boat trip to be had, she was going to be there-oxygen and all!
Being tethered to a tube and an oxygen tank is a source of frustration for her but as her strength and weight has diminished, she’s settled into a more sedate existence.
The hours I devote to helping her are having a distinct impact on my own ability to grow and nurture my freelance businesses-publishing my newsletter and mentoring women who struggle with caring for their own parents as well as copywriting and internet marketing consulting.
I knew I needed help and I also knew Mom would probably resist it. But I also knew if I approached it as MY needing help, she’d be more agreeable to accepting someone else coming into her home.
When I speak to groups, I talk about being the CEO of Caring for Mom & Dad-a concept I first learned about from reading the Caregiver.com newsletter.
The concept is to tell your folks you’ll be the CEO of their care and they are your most important client. As business partners, you’ll make decisions together and evaluate what’s working and what isn’t. If you need to make adjustments, you will.
This approach helps your parents to feel:
- Respected
- Valued
- Loved and cared for
Help them to see that the purpose of using home health aides is to make their lives easier-not to invade their space. Not to mention, to help them remain in their own home as long as possible-perhaps always.
In full transparency, I was somewhat nervous about opening the topic of bringing in a caregiver to Mom.
Fortunately, we are planning a family vacation in May and we’ll be away for 10 nights. Mom is well aware that is going to be a LONG time to be alone and frankly, she knows she needs help.
So, I told Mom we needed to talk because I needed help and I was having trouble keeping up with my own businesses because of the hours I devote to helping her. We discussed the upcoming vacation and I told her I really wanted to start someone who could learn the routine for a month before we go away.
I laid out some options to her:
- I could ask a friend who Mom knows if she’d be interested in helping
- I could look for a freelance caregiver
- I could hire someone from a home health agency
She wanted me to start with the friend she knew. Unfortunately, she already has a packed schedule. Then, a good friend referred me to a freelance caregiver she’s worked with. We met over coffee so I could explain the situation and get a ‘feel’ for the caregiver. She also gave me the name of a woman whose mother she currently takes care of.
Not surprisingly, the next day Mom tried to convince me she “doesn’t really need anyone to come because she can take care of herself.” I was expecting this from her and told her, “I know you CAN take care of yourself, but look how difficult it is for you. Besides, when we are away for 10 days, you are going to need help keeping up the house, etc.”
So, we arranged for Susan to come a couple mornings a week. I was definitely nervous the first day. It took me roughly 45 minutes to show Susan the routine, etc. As I prepared to leave the house while Susan was in the kitchen, Mom told she didn’t need her to stay….aaarrghhh. I explained that our commitment to the caregiver is for 2 hours per day and she’d be there another hour.
I offered Susan some information about Mom’s talents as a seamstress, knitter and quilter so they’d have some things to talk about.
Then, I left with a feeling that was somewhat similar to the sickening feeling I used to get when I left my very young boys screaming with a babysitter as I left the house. It was tortuous. Of course, the sitter always told me I’d barely pulled out of the driveway and the boys were already happy and off to the next activity.
Apparently Mom and Susan looked over some of Mom’s photo albums of her quilting projects and quilting groups.
Lately, she’s been asking me when Susan is next coming. (Can you spell R_E_L_I_E_F??)
Of course, it did help that we have this trip planned and Mom simply has no choice but to accept the help. There’s many strategies to bringing in help for your folks.
Geriatric Care Managers and Certified Senior Advisors can help do an assessment of your folk’s current living situation, particularly helpful if you don’t live close to your parents and therefore don’t TRULY know how safe or healthy they are. Believe me, they will try to convince you all is well, even when it’s not.
If you emphasize to your folks that their health, happiness and well-being is your utmost concern, you will find less resistance to your suggestions of bringing in help.
Guest Writer -Kathleen Cleary
Kathleen Cleary is Founder of Thriving in the Middle, an online magazine and mentorship program to help working women thrive while caring for aging parents. With over 15 years experience helping her parents navigate the challenges of aging, her mission is to help all working women live their happiest, healthiest, wealthiest and most productive life while caring for their parents.
To learn more about how you can live a balanced life while caring for aging parents, download your free report:”How to Keep Your Career, Sanity and Happiness Intact While Caring for Aging Parents So You Can Bring Balance and Money into Your Life” visit: http://thrivinginthemiddle.com